Junk Food Junkie, or, All My Peeps
You would be forgiven, looking at Mowrer and me, for assuming that foods like the ones pictured in today’s strip form the bulk of our diets. You would be a dick, but you would be forgiven.
Fact is, we were both young once, and made the bad choices of youth that lead to physiques of middle-age. And while we’ve been known to indulge in the occasional All-Meat Stink Pie from Pizza Hut during our strip-planning sessions (while sealed in an airtight room with its own bathroom, as mandated by our wives), in the last few years we’ve both made a conscious effort to curb some of our less-than-healthy eating habits.
Which is difficult when Little Caesar’s is wrapping a deep-dish pizza in bacon. I mean, Little Caesar’s is already a den of evil, a place where you can just walk in, plunk down half a sawbuck, and walk out with an entire, not-as-disgusting-as-it-could-be-under-the-circumstances pepperoni pizza. Then they go and make a deep-dish pizza wrapped in bacon. I mean, come on, that would be like dressing Christina Hendricks as Jessica Rabbit. I’m not made of stone, people.
But where Mowrer and I diverge is when it comes to the Krispy Kreme Donut Dog, a concoction dredged from the depths of Food Perdition. This is a hot dog topped with bacon…which is then served in a glazed doughnut filled with raspberry jelly.
The sweet and the savory can go together nicely – as the rise of “salted caramel” as a flavor will attest – but while you had me at “hot dog with bacon,” you lost me at “on a glazed doughnut,” and just pissed me off with “raspberry jam.” Fortunately, I can’t conceive a scenario in which I’ll ever attend a minor league baseball game in Delaware, so I think we’re safe there.
And that’s before you get into Peeps Milk. As in, milk. Flavored with melted Marshmallow Peeps. Also eggnog. Still flavored with Peeps.
The Turducken-Style Pepper Popper remains, for now, fictional. But, given that that’s the only other food mentioned in today’s strip that sounds palatable, maybe some appetizer entrepreneur will see this and make it a reality. Come on, TGI Friday’s, do something right for once.